Reconciling my two selves: A holiday post-mortem.

I had forgotten how challenging holidays can be.

Yes, I knew it intellectually, from a nervous system perspective -

But feeling it in my body, my heart, my spirit? That's another story altogether. Despite all of the words I've written, all of the classes I've taught about allowing oneself to feel - it hit me unexpectedly, threw me for a loop.

I was spending time with people I love, an invitation I'd eagerly accepted and had been looking forward to. And suddenly I wanted to leave. Something in me closed up, shut down. I was sitting in the same spot, and at the same time I was suddenly distant, removed. Not for the whole evening, but for long enough that I noticed it. No, I didn't leave. I sat, noticed, felt uncomfortable, judged myself, and gave myself permission to just observe. It passed within a few minutes, but the experience left me feeling rattled.

I'm not sure why I was surprised - In the lead-up to the holidays I've had several conversations about the masks we put on for others. The ways we force "holiday spirit" into ourselves when we're also feeling worried about money or family dynamics, dealing with illness or pain, grieving old, familiar losses, or fresh, raw ones.

If only we could somehow insert ourselves into those favourite holiday films, be that character who experiences the 'true meaning' of Christmas, transforms their life, and lives happily ever after.

Yeah, right.

As I thought about my two selves - the one that loves my family and loves Christmas, and the one that finds parts of it difficult - I realized there's an opportunity to explore paradox here. (there's always an opportunity to explore paradox...)

Instead of either/or thinking - i.e. either I love or hate the holidays - there's space for both/and - I can love some things about the holidays and at the same time find other aspects challenging. We have the capacity for joy, excitement and awe, and at the same time, the ability to feel sadness, loneliness, and frustration.

There's nothing wrong with you (or me) for feeling the way we do.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown describes 87 emotions, and none of them are wrong or bad. There's nothing wrong with feeling your emotions. Acknowledging how you feel gives you both awareness and choice. If you put on a mask, pretend everything is fine, and then feel resentful or angry with yourself about it, nothing will change - except maybe your mask will become more brittle and uncomfortable.

Take a minute or two and reflect on the past few weeks.

What was challenging for you about the holidays this year?
If you could have a do-over, what would you change?

What did you love about the holidays this year?
What would you do more of in that do-over scenario?

Given that there are inevitably things that you have absolutely no control over, how would you like to care for and support yourself in your do-over?

If you have time today, or later this week, create your own do-over scenario. Write yourself an email with your answers to these questions, along with whatever else is coming up for you as you reflect, and queue it for early November.

For a real game-changer, share this email with a friend or family member and schedule some time to talk about how you can support each other to bring more of what you love into the days, weeks and months ahead.

Want to work on that do-over scenario for not just the holidays, but for all of the other days as well? I have a few coaching options that will help you create a plan based on what you want more of. Let's chat - no pressure, I promise!