"Why can't I just let it go?!?!"

I'm pretty sure each of us can identify with the experience of knowing we have to let go of something that's outside of our control, and at the same time feeling utterly incapable of doing so.

We stress about things we have no power to change - what someone else has said or done, the consequences of a choice we made that can't be undone. We recognize it's bothering us. We know we can't do anything about it.

We say, "I just have to let it go."

Sound familiar? Of course it does. I have this conversation with myself and others multiple times per day.

As a capable, intelligent adult, you can see very clearly what's going on - you know intellectually that holding on to anger, guilt, or whatever other hard feelings may be present doesn't help, and actually makes things worse. It steals your time, energy and peace of mind.

You know intellectually what you need to do to, what you want to do, but letting go is like playing Whack-a-mole. You talk yourself out of holding on in one place, and it shows up somewhere else. So now you're starting to get mad at yourself.

"Why can't I let it go? There must be something wrong with me."

Now you've added judgment to the pot, stirring it in furiously, feeling worse and worse about the situation. Now you have to try harder and harder to let it go.

And so on.

One of my teachers used to say, "letting go isn't an action; it's a result - of feeling safe, supported, and loved."

You need safety, support and love from the people in your life, and from your environment. If the ground beneath you isn't firm - literally or metaphorically - it can't support you if you let go.

What I've learned over the past few years (and am still learning, to be honest) is that safety also needs to come from within. If I don't feel safe within myself, I can't relax fully into the safety and support of the people in my life. Safety within myself means loving all the parts and versions of myself - the one who makes good decisions, and the one who screws up and says or does the wrong thing; the one who stays focused and is productive, and the one who wastes time and binge watches TV.

Loving all the parts of yourself is a big ask, isn't it?!? And there's no magic wand. We can't think our way into it.

Learning to love all the parts of ourselves, especially the ones that are difficult to admit to, starts with learning to look at those parts, noticing how it feels to acknowledge them, and doing the work of growing our capacity to feel the discomfort.

When we can welcome those uncomfortable feelings and emotions, instead of pushing them away, we can become more curious about what else is going on. And with curiosity, we can start to release judgment, see beyond good or bad, right or wrong. I don't think there's much room for love when judgment is present. Curiosity helps us to see the bigger picture, and love ourselves (and others) - not in spite of what makes us uncomfortable, but because of it.

As humans we like a good story arc with a tidy ending. We're not good with cliff-hangers, with unresolved conflict. We want the bad guy to get his just desserts and the heroine to win, get justice, save the day. Maybe there's also some redemption and growth or learning for both of them, if that's your thing.

When you learn to find safety within yourself, you can welcome ambiguity and uncertainty - so there's nothing you need to let go of.

• What are the parts of you that are easy to love?

• What parts of you are difficult for you to admit to or look at?

• What judgments do you have around them?

• What would it feel like to welcome those versions of yourself with love and compassion instead of pushing them away or ignoring them?

When stress is running the show, it's really difficult to sit with the uncomfortable, let alone welcome it. And we can't think our way out of stress - but we can work with our bodies, our nervous systems to create new ways of responding to stress so it's not overwhelming.

How? Join me for a free webinar on Tuesday, September 15 at 7pm ET, and you'll learn how to start working with your nervous system and take the first steps toward shifting your relationship to stress. I'd love for you to join me.